The 10 Best Steps To Help Porn-Proof My Family

Here are my notes from Episode 014: The 10 Best Steps To Help Porn-Proof My Family

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While on the road a few weeks ago I met Stephen, a freshman in college. He was part of the collegiate staff as a counselor at the camp where I was speaking. He told me after worship one morning that he needed to talk. Just about as quickly as we sat down, he proceeded to tell me a story that dated back 9 years to his first encounter…with porn. At the time, he was 10, just 10, and he saw it while on his dad’s computer at home. That first look was all it took and now, 9 years later, he is still dealing with the lure of pornography. He told me what people everywhere tell me about their addictions – – – “I want to stop. I wish I’d never started, and I feel horrible mostly every day because of my addiction.” He said, “I feel guilty, embarrassed, dirty and alone in my battle.”

That’s the word I want you to hear – alone.

I asked Stephen, “Have you talked with your parents about your struggle?” He said, “I’ve never really had that kind of relationship with them. They probably wouldn’t even know what to say.”  Isn’t that sad!

Pornography can threaten to destroy just about anyone at any age. The difference between Stephen’s story and your child’s story is you.

You can make all the difference by beginning a conversation about pornography now. Now! You can’t wait until you suspect your son or daughter is engaged in pornography. You can’t merely assume that your kids are immune to such temptations. In today’s world the opposite mindset must actually be your thinking – – you have to expect that porn will find your children. Because really, the question isn’t, “Will porn find them?” But, “When?” And, the critical follow-up question for you – – “What’s my plan?”

On this episode, I’m going to tell you exactly what you need to do and keep doing to protect your family from the devastation of porn! 

In my new book, Raising Successful Teens, I reveal that one in five mobile-device internet searches is aimed at finding pornography. The revenue of the online pornography industry in the United States has now topped $3 billion annually. And, this junk – – it’s only a click away.

For some people porn seems to be no big deal. I talked backstage with a group of college students at a Christian conference. We spoke candidly about college life, dating, and purity. Just listen to what they said to me about porn. And, as you do, listen to the casual tone in their words:

“I view porn more than I’m willing to admit.” – Hailey, 21 year-old

“It’s so easy to see. I’ve even watched porn while in class.” – Josh 19 year-old

“Even as a Christ follower, I find it very hard to say no.” – Pete, 21 year-old

It’s super important for you to hear what I’m about to say next. Because, what you are about to hear reveals why any child, possibly even your child, is just a click from an addiction.

The students I meet who struggle with pornography are not oddball.
They aren’t sadistic.
They are perverted.
They are just…kids!

Many are on the honor-roll at school. Most all I meet are churchgoing kids. They love their parents. They strive to live for Jesus. And, they have big dreams and goals for their lives. They aren’t introverts. They are just normal kids.

And, I talk with just as many girls as I do guys about their porn-viewing habits.

I often meet adults who can’t fathom how someone can get caught up in such filth. Even when some parents realize their son or daughter is addicted to porn, the Enemy often has won the fight by convincing the parents they are ill-equipped to help their teen.

But look, the struggle with pornography isn’t different from the struggle with any other sin: Satan presents us with dangerous, cleverly packaged lies that look inviting. We are tempted, and temptation gives birth to sin. Sin affects us all.

“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” – Romans 3:23

Maybe you yourself have been tempted to view porn. If so, you can share in a personal way what that struggle has been like and how you have achieved victory.

Certainly, we can’t be passive about the problem. Again, the question isn’t “Will my teen view pornography?” Rather, the question is “When will it happen?” And, as I stated earlier, the necessary follow-up question should be “What’s my plan?”

Or, maybe a better question for you to answer: “How far am I willing to go to help protect my family from pornography?”

“Throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.” – Hebrews 12:1

“Be free of even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” – Ephesians 5:3

If your teen dates and is viewing porn, it will be only a matter of time before he/she becomes more physical with her dating partner. The fantasy world he/she is watching will keep pushing to turn itself into reality. Your teen will be tempted to use people to fulfill personal lust. And as they try to act out the sexual behavior viewed online, the perceived need for self-gratification will damage not only their relationships during the dating years but also their relationship with a future mate.

As your teen dives more deeply into the world of porn, their character will begin to be eroded, even destroyed!

 “Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction.” – Galatians 6:8

I’m often asked by parents: “How do I know if my son/daughter is viewing porn?” Well, you may not see any warning signs at first. But, someone who is viewing porn consistently will eventually adopt such practices as:

Warning Signs

~  secretiveness when using the computer or a smartphone

~  erased password and browser history

~  a diminished interest in socializing with friends

~  consistent time spent alone in the bedroom or bathroom with the door locked

~  decreased interest in school and extracurricular activities

~  and, an excessive interest in dating

If you believe your son/daughter is looking at porn, you don’t have time to waste.

With every look and every image, he/she is going deeper into darkness. The Enemy wants you to feel guilty. He wants you to question how this could have happened to your teen. He will work overtime to convince you that you have failed miserably.

I have yet to counsel anyone of ANY age, especially a teen, struggling with porn who desired to continue struggling. Nobody wants to be a slave to their addictions. Nobody wants to remain on the road to destruction. And, nobody wants to remain in a place where they feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment. Yet many who want to escape from bondage have little knowledge of how to overcome its grip.

Raising teenagers and helping your kids avoid or overcome a porn addiction is one of the most important responsibilities you have. Here are top ten parenting topics and tips for parents you can take to help porn-proof your family.

1. Realize That Sexual Cravings Are Normal

We all have sexual cravings. Acknowledging this helps answer the question “How did my child get addicted to porn?” When teens see porn for the first time, it might shock them, upset them, or make them feel guilty. However, it also will awaken their sexual drives while urging them to repeat the experience. Porn is a powerful influencer. When teens see it, a new awareness ignites in them at a vulnerable stage of development.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is involved in many different pathways in our brains. It often is identified as the “molecule behind all our most sinful behavior and secret cravings.… Really, dopamine is signaling feedback for predicted rewards.” It is an important driver of sexual desire and also increases essential survival behavior, such as eating and protecting ourselves from excessive heat or cold. When your teen looks at porn, it triggers an overwhelming amount of dopamine, which makes the impulse to look and keep looking increasingly hard to resist.

2. Don’t Dance Around the Problem

Look, if you don’t talk with your kids about porn, who will? Many parents talk about porn and sexuality, but only indirectly. Don’t dance around the issue. Share the specific effects porn has on a person’s life. Even if you think your teen is not yet involved with porn, don’t wait to have this talk. If he spends time online, it is inevitable that he will be exposed to porn. If you have caught her viewing porn, at first she may deny that the struggle exists or try to minimize its effects. It is critical that you explain how hard Satan works to get people hooked. What an awesome moment this can be to strengthen your relationship with your son/daughter and help them see you as someone who longs to protect them from harm.

3. Love your Child; Hate the Sin

As you implement each of these steps, you’ve got to remind and keep reminding your teen that you love her and that your love will never change. She needs to know that although you disagree with her actions, you want to help her defeat this addiction and be restored to a pure life.

“I did what you suggested I should do and told my parents. I thought they would hate me. They were disappointed in me but also told me they were glad I came to them. It felt so good to finally come clean, and knowing they still love me made all the difference in the world.” – Brian 17 year-old

I encourage you to communicate to your teen every day that regardless of behavior, you love him. Knowing that your love remains strong will empower him as he works to find freedom.

4. Understand That a Promise Isn’t Enough

If you catch your teen in the act of watching porn, her initial response may be to quickly apologize, plead for your forgiveness, and promise never to do it again. Though her desire to repent may be genuine, it may be only a matter of time before the addiction wins again. For a teen struggling with porn, a promise to change isn’t enough. You need to help her make the promise a reality.

5. Help Your Child Acknowledge, Be Specific, and Confess

God is aware of every image in your teen’s mind, but He still loves him. You have a critical responsibility, second only to God’s, to help your child reconcile the darkness of his life and take the steps necessary to renew a relationship with God. Jeremiah 29:11 says that the Lord has a plan for each of us, a plan to prosper us and to give us hope and a future. This plan often begins with confession. In 1 John 1:9 we read, “If we confess our sins, he will forgive our sins, because we can trust God to do what is right. He will cleanse us from all the wrongs we have done.”

You may even want lead your teen through these specific confession steps:

Acknowledge the sin – – God can handle the truth. 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew11:28–30

Be specific – – God wants us to be as specific as we can be about our sins.

“We have sinned and done wrong. We have been wicked and turned against you, your commands, and your laws.… Lord, you are good and right, but we are full of shame today.… But, Lord our God, you show us mercy and forgive us even though we have turned against you.” – ”Daniel 9:5, 7, 9

Confess – – God offers forgiveness no matter what.

“I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my niquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin…. You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance.” – Psalm 32:5, 7

6. Take Inventory and Remove Temptation

Your child must be willing to submit future choices, actions, and thoughts to God. This could mean that for a while he/she commits to avoiding any form of entertainment that may activate a desire for more porn consumption. Consider the types of media outlets your teen has access to at home. These could include cable television, Netflix, Hulu, various music platforms, and the internet. Which of these might tempt him to sin? Consider what she watches and listens to. What influences do these media messages have?

If you suspect or know that your teen struggles with porn, remove the source from your home immediately. If the source is a computer, place it in a high-traffic area and ensure that she never has access to it unless you are present. If the source is a television, it must go. If the source is a cell phone, it must go. In addition, never let your teen keep a computer or cell phone in her room overnight. No questions, no rationalizing.

I had a father tell me that once he discovered his son was struggling with all of this, he actually removed the bedroom door from his son’s bedroom. Eliminate the privacy, you can often eliminate another tempting environment. I love it!

This is war. You can’t expect to defeat Satan if you invite him into your home. Of course, such a purge will not eliminate access to all the porn in the world. But by removing the immediate sources, you will send a strong message to your child that you are prepared to take extreme measures, like yanking a door off the wall, to help break the bondage.

Remember, I say it all of the time parents and you have to live by this three-word motto:

Whatever it takes!

7. Develop a Strategy

It is unrealistic to think that just because you remove sources of temptation from the home, your child will never again be tempted to use porn. So, develop a strategy to help him/her no matter where they are. Of course this is the tricky part because there is no one-size-fits-all strategy. Every kid is different.

I recommend that you and your spouse (if you’re married) outline a game plan before discussing any of this with your kids. Let me give you a few game-plan strategies:

Set up a regular daily routine. Your child needs to see the importance of a disciplined, routine schedule. This does not mean completely isolating her from daily activities, hobbies, and interests; it means setting boundaries on what she is allowed to do, which helps develop a greater sense of security. Keep her schedule full so her mind remains occupied. Chores, sports, a part-time job, and volunteering can be appropriate outlets.

Approve friendships. Your son’s friends play a huge role in his decision-making. Teens often tell me that they view porn while at a friend’s house. So, let me remind you to remind your kids how to say, “no.”

As parents, it’s our job to teach our kids how to refuse a friend’s invitation to view porn.

It goes without saying that choosing friends who are in line with God’s will for their life is a critical step to overcoming the temptation to check out porn. We read in 1 Corinthians 15:33, “Bad company corrupts good character.” So, we have to start here teaching our kids that who they spend time with shapes the choices the make and the lifestyles they embrace.

Here’s another great moment to remind you to work hard to help your kids choose friends who push them toward God rather than away from Him. Keeping tabs on their friends, on the parents of their friends…it’s all so important. And, let your kids know you want open communication about who their friends are and where they spend their time.

Kill the lies. Satan oftenwins when he wins in your teen’s mind. Communicate to your child that Satan will work to sell lies such as:
“What’s the big deal? It’s just a picture of a naked person. Besides, looking at porn is a lot better than sleeping with someone.”

Satan’s lies might also take the form of: “You are so good in every other area of life. This is just your one failing.”

Statements such as:

“No one is going to know.” Or,
“What harm will really come from it?” And,
“I deserve this. I’ve had a really tough week,” all indicate that your child has begun to believe Satan’s lies and is rationalizing their behavior.

This is a dangerous stage. If your son/daughter is here, you have to:

Keep talking. If your teen has been checking out porn for some time, it is probable that he will experience setbacks while working to resist the temptation and to walk in purity. Evil forces will try to drive harmful desires more deeply into his mind. The best way to combat this is to communicate often with him. Regularly ask questions such as “How are you feeling about your struggle?” or “Have you had any setbacks?” or “What’s going on in your head?” Let her see that you are serious about walking every step of the way with her, no matter how long it takes.

Set a good example. Let your teen see that you reject any sexualized messages on television and in the movies you watch. Change the channel or mute the sound during commercials that use sex to sell. When you do this, seize the opportunity to talk about the message in the movie or the commercial. Ask questions such as “What is that commercial saying about women?” or “Why do you think Hollywood seems to go out of its way to get sex and nudity into movies?”

Establish goals.Help your teen develop a set of goals to achieve, and celebrate together when she makes significant progress. Give her additional freedom as she proves trustworthy.

8. Prioritize Scripture

A key to overcoming a porn addiction rests in your child’s commitment to spending consistent time in God’s Word. Help him find Scripture verses to memorize. Display these verses throughout your home. Write them on note cards and drop them in her lunch box or backpack. Laminate a card with a personal note from you along with a verse and put it in your son’s wallet or your daughter’s purse. Hang verses on their bathroom mirror. Get the Word into them!

I have long challenged students across the country to find specific verses or passages of Scripture that will help in their struggles. Remember how Jesus responded to the temptation He faced from Satan? Three times He was tempted, and three times He responded by quoting Scripture. Keeping the Word in front of your child will help them resist sin. Psalm 119:9 promises you and them, “How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word.”

9. Pray Like Crazy

Prayer is the greatest strategy you can implement. Pray specifically. Pray Scripture. Pray for your child. Pray with your child. Pray over your child. Prayer is your source of strength when the fight takes you into the eleventh round. Prayer is your greatest weapon against Satan’s lies! Pray and keep praying.

10. Never Give Up

If you are feeling hopeless, find hope in this: God hasn’t given up on your child. He won’t ever throw in the towel. He is committed all the way to you and to your child. Find your hope in Him, and when all else seems hopeless, hold fast to Isaiah 40:31: “Those who hope in the Lordwill renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Jeffrey Dean Family Coaching, Coaching Parents, Coaching Teens & Mentoring
Our ministry offers family and student coaching and mentoring for any topic, but especially this one.

I offer 30-minute sessions via Skype or even Facetime.

When I counsel students, of course I always involve parents in that process.

If you have a son/daughter who needs to work through this issue and you’d like to talk with me about this, click here.

 

 

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Jeffrey Dean is a family influencer, author, and counselor whose mission is to help build strong families. For information about having Jeffrey speak in your community, contact our office.

Subscribe and listen to the Family Strong With Jeffrey Dean podcast at Apple Podcasts or at jeffreydean.com/podcast.